how?

there's always two sides of you - inside of you. most of the times these two will disagree with each other hence you get your 'inner struggle' with a lot of things. it can be both good and bad, depending on situations. this applies to everyone, i believe. it's central to decision making process in human, partly. let this out of control, you'll suffer a massive inner battle which obviously is bad. it's like living in a house with a dysfunctioning couple. quarrel everyday, no peace. however, this inner struggle can sometimes be the factor that drives you forward. if you're down, usually it's only one side that's down, and the other, being opposite as always, will do its job and actually be the help that you need to pick yourself up.

but what if both sides are down? this time they actually agree with each other in a bad way and fall together. how do you pick yourself up again?

Nothing is true

Word/phrase I don't believe in anymore when people say it

1. "always"
2. "you'll be fine"

1 - there is just no such thing as always. "i'm always here if you need me," "i can always help you out,". no. lies.

2 - there are times when you won't just be fine. how do you know you WILL be fine?

Journey

Life is full of ups and downs they say. Everyone has their own struggle in life. Everyone's journey is different and no one story is exactly the same as yours. Your life story is only unique to you. The journey that you had - and still having - is all unique to you. No one else will experience it. Sure some people share same experience to a certain degree, but never to the extent or exactly how experience it.

And looking back at my life so far, I think my journey is quite complicated and needless to say, full of ups and downs. I have tasted both ends of spectra in numerous aspects of life. I know what it feels like to be loved by everyone, and also what it's like to be hated by everyone. I have tasted trust and betrayal. I know how it feels to have a lot of friends and how it feels to be all alone and lonely. I have been at the top of academic ladder, and also at the bottom. Have felt how sweet it is to be a daie, and sadly also how crap it is to be a sinner. I have felt love like I have never before, also how it feels like for it to end. I have gone to both sides of this 'love' world, know what it's like to stand on the outside and not understanding why people behave and become the way they behave and become, and also as a resident of the 'world' and experience first hand what I did not understand before. And now I'm here. And right now I think I'm at the lower point of my life again. To be honest I think I have never get this low before in my life.

Life is dull. Sorrow. Alone and lonely. Hopeless. Like a gray sky overshadowing an empty, dry and lifeless desert, And it doesn't even bring any rain. Even if it does, it doesn't mean anything. It just adds to the sadness. And every sound I hear around me - songs, voices - somehow just adds up to the heaviness in my chest. I listen to slow love songs and they are just the most depressing things I know in life. Rock, emo or uplifting songs sound like traffic noise. Feels really out of reach and no one cares. I go to hospital or shops and talk to people or listen to people talking to one another. Distant. They all seem so happy. Somehow that pulls me down rather than up. Even more.

Loneliness is murder. Loneliness is torture. It's not an exaggeration. It's a state of feeling. You feel so heavy and empty you just don't feel any difference in living.

little things

sometimes i just feel so happy inside for no apparent reason. it's like there's something that i look forward to. approaching bedtime, i feel happy and excited, not because i'm looking forward to sleeping, but more like i'm looking forward to tomorrow's breakfast. COFFEE. yeah, maybe that.

don't bother title

dreams. they're one of the things that is unknown, to say the least. i mean it's something in the future and you don't plan for it. i'm talking about the dreams that you get in your sleep by the way, not your life goals or what you want in life etc.

anyway. yes. you don't really know what you're going to dream about when you go to sleep tonight. you can't really plan for it. sometimes you do wish that you dream a certain dream because of its nature. i mean, sometimes dreams can feel/be so real, you will feel it. you will wake up still having experiencing the effect. still feel exactly like how it makes you feel when you sleep. bliss. so each night you go to sleep you will hope that this kind of dream will reappear so you can feel it again. it's sad though. because that means you don't really have any happy things happening to you in real life, that you only hope to dream it.

truth.

Brain damage

One of the things that I have to go through everyday is the struggle to focus. I have the shortest attention span. Combined with my poor memory, I really find it hard to survive medical school. Sometimes when I do focus, and it feels like I am understanding whatever I'm reading, that info will disappear with haste. And sometimes, when I try to put some more effort in memorizing, my head will hurt. Not the taking it part, but the part when I need to try and retrieve the already 'stored' information. Happened a few times, so much so I think I sometimes purposely try to avoid doing it. Even when I actually do want to try, my body or heart will automatically push it away. The same with studying in the first place. The moment I sit and look at some notes or book - it feels like something is reeaallly wrong and pushing me away from it. Weird.