i don't want to make a twitter account...

..so i shall write my thoughts/feelings here instead.

watching Burnt made me feel like cooking. i miss cooking.
but being in malaysia makes me not want to cook. because ingredients are expensive.
also, good food can be found literally everywhere.

not good.

'keeping in touch'

you know when some people don't contact you that much, then suddenly do? and so often it is when they need something from you. so you're kinda like their lifeline or some sort.

that is quite sad. it is.

but i'm quite used to it. in fact, i think at this point i am glad if people do that. means they remember me to a certain degree. and it always feels so good to be able to help people in need. kinda feel useful and in some way it gives more sense of purpose in life.

of course, as with a lot of other things in this indefinite world, things change. new things develop. as i was quite comfortable with people contacting me once in a blue moon to seek help, a new phenomenon arises that quite catches me off guard.

people who rarely contact me suddenly do. and out of what my optimistic self could think of as politeness, they often begin with pleasantries. how are you, how's life been, how's it going so far etc etc. some even go to the extent of cracking jokes. i am quite pleased with all that and i think it is nice of them to do that, seeing how it has been ages since we talk/chat. genuinely i entertain the chatter, expecting some good catch up session. then suddenly, they tell me the 'true' purpose of them contacting me. the TRUE PURPOSE. i have never felt so betrayed in my life. no. that's an exaggeration. i have been betrayed worse. nevertheless, i feel betrayed when people do this. all that nice caring words - they have all been fake? because catching up as such was apparently not the TRUE PURPOSE of the conversation. sort of saying "i don't care about you actually, i just need your help, but before you do, i will pretend like i care so that the possibility of you helping me would be higher," gosh.

and then of course, after they receive what they so inquire, conversation ends. and never to happen again. well, until another need arises i suppose.

but seriously, though the aforementioned method of 'testing the water' would work fine on other people, or maybe in fact preferred by some, i think that is just a complete rubbish. if you don't want to do it, don't do it. i would rather much prefer someone contacts me for help, by straightaway stating they need my help from the very beginning. no time wasted.

so thence on, i have become ever so careful about long loss people suddenly contacting me and behave ever so politely.

things like this contribute more to my trust issue with people.

September twenty second

Dear you,

How are you doing? I hope you're fine as you always are. I'm..okay. I guess.

It has been a year now. Time definitely crawled in regards to this one. Still feel like it just happened a few weeks ago, however cliche that might sound.

They say time heals all wound. I'm yet to see that happening. Is one year not long enough? I'm pretty sure you have long forgotten me by now. Not entirely in the sense that you no longer know who I am and stuff, but I imagine you've somehow "reset" now. Wait, move on would be the better word for it. I wonder how many times I have crossed your mind nowadays. And when I do, how good it must be for you to not feel anything at all. Useless thoughts, I know, but I wonder anyway. Because when you're on mine, you rob all the energy off of me. The ache in my heart suddenly gets a bit more physical. Dreams of you come, time to time, uninvited. Do the same thing.

They say count your blessings when you feel low. I did, and it increased my awareness of how low I am and made me more conscious of how low I'm still going. Seems like an endless void. Sometimes I'm still afraid of this fact, other times I'm just so tired to think of it, or of anything at all for that matter. My struggles seem to level up when you're no longer there. I tried to remain positive, suck every last bit of positivity from the air, and moved up a little. Moments after, I was knocked back down. No, I was pulled back down. Tried again. Got down again. I seriously have no idea what is going to happen to me.

I want to heal. At the same time, I don't. I was afraid of losing you, and it happened. And it hurts so much. But pieces of you are attached to the pain. I can't afford losing those too.

I miss you.

Regards,
Me.

birth

guys will never get to experience what it's like to give birth.
true.

try building a pc though. i think that's the closest you get to feeling the joy of giving birth. minus the pain, obviously. buy all parts separately, and from nothing, you bring all those together, connect wires correctly, and then boom - the moment your pc light up for the first time, the moment you see the fan starts spinning for the first time, the first beep of the computer, the second something appears on the screen - it's just magical. it's like "it's aliveeee" kinda moment. it actually is, really. it's like seeing a baby first cries moments after being born. it's magical. it's the kind of joy that makes you cry and want to jump at the same time.

i built my very first pc a few months ago. i've been dreaming of having my own rig since i was a kid. i never actually fancy a console. always been a pc gamer. so when this happened, though partly out of impulse, i am very grateful. i get to meet the never ending high demands of latest games now.

how?

there's always two sides of you - inside of you. most of the times these two will disagree with each other hence you get your 'inner struggle' with a lot of things. it can be both good and bad, depending on situations. this applies to everyone, i believe. it's central to decision making process in human, partly. let this out of control, you'll suffer a massive inner battle which obviously is bad. it's like living in a house with a dysfunctioning couple. quarrel everyday, no peace. however, this inner struggle can sometimes be the factor that drives you forward. if you're down, usually it's only one side that's down, and the other, being opposite as always, will do its job and actually be the help that you need to pick yourself up.

but what if both sides are down? this time they actually agree with each other in a bad way and fall together. how do you pick yourself up again?

Nothing is true

Word/phrase I don't believe in anymore when people say it

1. "always"
2. "you'll be fine"

1 - there is just no such thing as always. "i'm always here if you need me," "i can always help you out,". no. lies.

2 - there are times when you won't just be fine. how do you know you WILL be fine?