September twenty second

Dear you,

How are you doing? I hope you're fine as you always are. I'm..okay. I guess.

It has been a year now. Time definitely crawled in regards to this one. Still feel like it just happened a few weeks ago, however cliche that might sound.

They say time heals all wound. I'm yet to see that happening. Is one year not long enough? I'm pretty sure you have long forgotten me by now. Not entirely in the sense that you no longer know who I am and stuff, but I imagine you've somehow "reset" now. Wait, move on would be the better word for it. I wonder how many times I have crossed your mind nowadays. And when I do, how good it must be for you to not feel anything at all. Useless thoughts, I know, but I wonder anyway. Because when you're on mine, you rob all the energy off of me. The ache in my heart suddenly gets a bit more physical. Dreams of you come, time to time, uninvited. Do the same thing.

They say count your blessings when you feel low. I did, and it increased my awareness of how low I am and made me more conscious of how low I'm still going. Seems like an endless void. Sometimes I'm still afraid of this fact, other times I'm just so tired to think of it, or of anything at all for that matter. My struggles seem to level up when you're no longer there. I tried to remain positive, suck every last bit of positivity from the air, and moved up a little. Moments after, I was knocked back down. No, I was pulled back down. Tried again. Got down again. I seriously have no idea what is going to happen to me.

I want to heal. At the same time, I don't. I was afraid of losing you, and it happened. And it hurts so much. But pieces of you are attached to the pain. I can't afford losing those too.

I miss you.

Regards,
Me.

birth

guys will never get to experience what it's like to give birth.
true.

try building a pc though. i think that's the closest you get to feeling the joy of giving birth. minus the pain, obviously. buy all parts separately, and from nothing, you bring all those together, connect wires correctly, and then boom - the moment your pc light up for the first time, the moment you see the fan starts spinning for the first time, the first beep of the computer, the second something appears on the screen - it's just magical. it's like "it's aliveeee" kinda moment. it actually is, really. it's like seeing a baby first cries moments after being born. it's magical. it's the kind of joy that makes you cry and want to jump at the same time.

i built my very first pc a few months ago. i've been dreaming of having my own rig since i was a kid. i never actually fancy a console. always been a pc gamer. so when this happened, though partly out of impulse, i am very grateful. i get to meet the never ending high demands of latest games now.

how?

there's always two sides of you - inside of you. most of the times these two will disagree with each other hence you get your 'inner struggle' with a lot of things. it can be both good and bad, depending on situations. this applies to everyone, i believe. it's central to decision making process in human, partly. let this out of control, you'll suffer a massive inner battle which obviously is bad. it's like living in a house with a dysfunctioning couple. quarrel everyday, no peace. however, this inner struggle can sometimes be the factor that drives you forward. if you're down, usually it's only one side that's down, and the other, being opposite as always, will do its job and actually be the help that you need to pick yourself up.

but what if both sides are down? this time they actually agree with each other in a bad way and fall together. how do you pick yourself up again?

Nothing is true

Word/phrase I don't believe in anymore when people say it

1. "always"
2. "you'll be fine"

1 - there is just no such thing as always. "i'm always here if you need me," "i can always help you out,". no. lies.

2 - there are times when you won't just be fine. how do you know you WILL be fine?

Journey

Life is full of ups and downs they say. Everyone has their own struggle in life. Everyone's journey is different and no one story is exactly the same as yours. Your life story is only unique to you. The journey that you had - and still having - is all unique to you. No one else will experience it. Sure some people share same experience to a certain degree, but never to the extent or exactly how experience it.

And looking back at my life so far, I think my journey is quite complicated and needless to say, full of ups and downs. I have tasted both ends of spectra in numerous aspects of life. I know what it feels like to be loved by everyone, and also what it's like to be hated by everyone. I have tasted trust and betrayal. I know how it feels to have a lot of friends and how it feels to be all alone and lonely. I have been at the top of academic ladder, and also at the bottom. Have felt how sweet it is to be a daie, and sadly also how crap it is to be a sinner. I have felt love like I have never before, also how it feels like for it to end. I have gone to both sides of this 'love' world, know what it's like to stand on the outside and not understanding why people behave and become the way they behave and become, and also as a resident of the 'world' and experience first hand what I did not understand before. And now I'm here. And right now I think I'm at the lower point of my life again. To be honest I think I have never get this low before in my life.

Life is dull. Sorrow. Alone and lonely. Hopeless. Like a gray sky overshadowing an empty, dry and lifeless desert, And it doesn't even bring any rain. Even if it does, it doesn't mean anything. It just adds to the sadness. And every sound I hear around me - songs, voices - somehow just adds up to the heaviness in my chest. I listen to slow love songs and they are just the most depressing things I know in life. Rock, emo or uplifting songs sound like traffic noise. Feels really out of reach and no one cares. I go to hospital or shops and talk to people or listen to people talking to one another. Distant. They all seem so happy. Somehow that pulls me down rather than up. Even more.

Loneliness is murder. Loneliness is torture. It's not an exaggeration. It's a state of feeling. You feel so heavy and empty you just don't feel any difference in living.

little things

sometimes i just feel so happy inside for no apparent reason. it's like there's something that i look forward to. approaching bedtime, i feel happy and excited, not because i'm looking forward to sleeping, but more like i'm looking forward to tomorrow's breakfast. COFFEE. yeah, maybe that.