Rant

1. I am not one who expresses himself often - verbally or written. especially the former. there are a lot of things that i wished i had said or wanted to say or still want to say but just don't. or can't. because i do not know how to.  and that kinda sucks.

2. the more i am with people, the lonelier i feel. maybe sometimes, the things that people post on social media is really coming to live. i am talking about technology. for years, i have always been living alone and most times i feel quite lonely. so when i do actually get a chance to live or just be with someone for a short time, i'd greatly appreciate it. but it saddens me and makes me feel even lonelier when the person is always busy with their phones, chatting away with someone else that is not physically there. i guess we don't really need physical being anymore nowadays. at times when this happens i feel that i'm better off on my own. talking about spending quality time. heh.

3. i may think too much but things that happen in my life, i believe there's always meanings behind them. and i think think and think, trying to find the meaning behind each events if it means a lot to me, until i finally settle on one or maybe a few. and i can rest my head. but most of the times, things changes afterwards and whatever i thought will proved to be wrong. sometimes i feel like nothing is true anymore.

.

feels like giving up. remembering why i started in the first place doesn't help. low mood. thought of self harm with no intention nor plan.

maybe i should really get some help this time.

why

i am now up to a point where i just stop, and suddenly ask myself: why am i here? why am i doing medicine?
yes, it's a rhetorical question. i still remember all the reasons why i took up medicine in the first place. to help people, and about the hadith (which i can't really remember the exact wordings now, but i do remember the points) etc2. what have got the question to pop up in my head again is because i'm stressed. i feel so out of place. i don't remember anything i learned. it's like i never learn anything. at all. and then all my colleagues are saying they're stressed. heh. yeah right. try being me. ask them questions, they can answer most of it. can't memorise one word from a sentence, that's all. stress.

travel

blog has becoming less popular now. meh.

i'm going to travel to europe this summer. (ie winter there). and there's A LOT of nice places that i want to go. i'm not really keen on going to major cities, amazingly (or weirdly, maybe). i prefer scenic places. natural stuff. like snow covered mountains, cliffs, etc3. or if it is city, i like those that look quite.. wahhhh..with its' awesomeness. yeah i don't really know how to describe this in words. go then, you'd say. i would love to. the only thing i need is money. it really saddens me to look at the flight tickets to the places i wanted to go during that period. normally it's just 10-20$, during that period it's 100+. unbelievable. so this post act more of a reminder to myself about the places that i plan to go. insyaAllah next year, if i've got enough money, i need to plan WAY AHEAD about going here.

i - salzburg, austria
ii- prague, czech
iii - tallin, estonia
iv - norway
v- chamonix, france
vi- swiss

after all my research in order to do my itinerary, those are the places that caught my attention. sadly as i said, expensive to go (this year). so maybe next time. kalau ada rezeki. do a solo tour around eastern europe.

Car Break Down

this is a day that i will remember. on the way back from blacktown, our car just died. like, died. happened before, but could be restarted. not this time it didn't. it was around 1710, 3 minutes past maghrib. i just had sips of water for iftar. to add to it, the car died in the middle of the street. one lane, no shoulder. but lucky enough we didnt block the traffic so much. a little about 10-15 minutes later, this guy pulled up in front of us, while we were trying to deal with the insurance company to send roadside assistance. he offered help. though i was constantly suspicious and be on my guard, after reading about a lot of scams in malaysia, that guy, salesi was really an honest mechanic. not only did he jumpstart our car, he did a very thorough job, like how a consultant would. he offered to check the engine as his 'provisional diagnosis' was spark plug problem. so we cancelled the tow truck and whatnots as per his instruction, and drove to the nearest petrol station with whats left of the car's strength. then off he start. but there was no tool to even unscrewing the spark plugs from their socket. salesi brought us to his workshop to gather some tools that he needed for that, and a few other stuff. then we headed back to the car and he began checking. no problem with the spark plug, he proceeded with engine compressions. then wires. wires fine, checked the injector and air leak. now theres something wrong he suggested how to fix them with cheapest price possible. after all that, he just charged us 20$, and said "i just charged so that you wont feel guilty you know,". and i guess, its true enough. not that he needed money anyway. his weekly income is about 6k after tax. if he refused to take any money or anything, we will feel guilty since he helped sooooo much. and it took a lot of his time. and we didnt even ask for any! :')  god bless you salesi. the world needs more people like you. thanks.

frustration

like many other people, there are things that bring them down. or make them frustrated. for me, one of them would be myself.

you see, i don't talk that much. when i encounter someone who does, sometimes i can blend in but most of the time i don't. i don't know how to make conversations. especially when they are talking about things i have little knowledge of. especially in english. what usually happens is they talk, i end up listening. and not really contributing to the conversation. and this makes me feel bad. it's as if i give them the impression that i'm not interested. or unfriendly. i hate that. not that i don't care. i just don't know how to continue from there. depressing. haihh.