Brain damage

One of the things that I have to go through everyday is the struggle to focus. I have the shortest attention span. Combined with my poor memory, I really find it hard to survive medical school. Sometimes when I do focus, and it feels like I am understanding whatever I'm reading, that info will disappear with haste. And sometimes, when I try to put some more effort in memorizing, my head will hurt. Not the taking it part, but the part when I need to try and retrieve the already 'stored' information. Happened a few times, so much so I think I sometimes purposely try to avoid doing it. Even when I actually do want to try, my body or heart will automatically push it away. The same with studying in the first place. The moment I sit and look at some notes or book - it feels like something is reeaallly wrong and pushing me away from it. Weird.

rant rant rant

i think every human being needs some sort of connections in their life. there is just this feeling inside that somehow longs, that craves a connection with another human being. that doesn't mean they can't live on their own. heck, i think the feeling just intensifies when you live on your own for too long. no one to talk to. no one who genuinely cares to listen to what is about to say. the world nowadays just move at a tremendously fast pace, we don't have time for each other anymore. wait. i'm going on a tangent here. 

yes, connection. when you live on your own for far too long, you become desperate i guess. that need for connectivity just gets too strong, it could potentially destroy you. you become very easily attached to anybody. especially when there is only a sliver of 'potential'. more often than not, it is all just fantasies, that will never come true. but the mind/brain really works in funny ways. they can form attachment to these fantasies, and consequently, it drags you and your emotions along with it. until one day, reality hits again, everything just burst and falls apart. you included. i think this is what happens to me almost all the time. 

keep on ranting

apparently one of the ways to be smarter in the long run is to "write 400 words a day", so says this website: http://news.bitofnews.com/daily-habits-that-will-make-you-smarter/

i was trying to do a further research on who wrote that article, but i could not really find out who she was. anyways. i think it's worth the try. the logic sounds..well, logic enough for me.
writing is not really an easy task to do. and if you're writing about your feelings or thoughts, you are kinda forced to put them into words. make them alive, if you will. that will help your mind stays sharp. -ish.

so i think i am going to try and do this here as much as i can. i usually bottle up my feelings - i think, and was told by multiple people multiple times, that it's not healthy. i should let it out sometimes. thing is, being introverted that i am, i am not privileged to have many friends or people that i can talk to about my feelings. that has happen for so long, even if sometimes there are people who genuinely want to help and be there for me, i find it awkward to talk about it, or don't really know how to do it. so i hope letting it out here as written form will help, one way or another.

Rant 3.0

1. the feeling of rejection is never pleasant. nobody likes it, i believe. heart crushing. it takes away all your energy you don't even feel like doing anything that you often like doing when you're stressed. dejected. feels so heavy like gravity is 10 times stronger than usual. missing someone/something so precious, you're sad, hurt and devastated you actually don't feel like you're gonna survive through the night. and when tomorrow comes, you just have to face it again and all the dreadful feelings begin again. sometimes you just wish it all ends. regardless.

rant 2.0

1. Liking/loving someone/something can often lead to disappointment because most often the feeling does not reciprocate. Hence, that act should be considered an act of self harm. Thinking of doing it therefore is a thought of self harm. Sign of depression.

2. Most people don't even give a shit about you. So for goodness sake, please stop caring so much about them.

Rant

1. I am not one who expresses himself often - verbally or written. especially the former. there are a lot of things that i wished i had said or wanted to say or still want to say but just don't. or can't. because i do not know how to.  and that kinda sucks.

2. the more i am with people, the lonelier i feel. maybe sometimes, the things that people post on social media is really coming to live. i am talking about technology. for years, i have always been living alone and most times i feel quite lonely. so when i do actually get a chance to live or just be with someone for a short time, i'd greatly appreciate it. but it saddens me and makes me feel even lonelier when the person is always busy with their phones, chatting away with someone else that is not physically there. i guess we don't really need physical being anymore nowadays. at times when this happens i feel that i'm better off on my own. talking about spending quality time. heh.

3. i may think too much but things that happen in my life, i believe there's always meanings behind them. and i think think and think, trying to find the meaning behind each events if it means a lot to me, until i finally settle on one or maybe a few. and i can rest my head. but most of the times, things changes afterwards and whatever i thought will proved to be wrong. sometimes i feel like nothing is true anymore.