'keeping in touch'

you know when some people don't contact you that much, then suddenly do? and so often it is when they need something from you. so you're kinda like their lifeline or some sort.

that is quite sad. it is.

but i'm quite used to it. in fact, i think at this point i am glad if people do that. means they remember me to a certain degree. and it always feels so good to be able to help people in need. kinda feel useful and in some way it gives more sense of purpose in life.

of course, as with a lot of other things in this indefinite world, things change. new things develop. as i was quite comfortable with people contacting me once in a blue moon to seek help, a new phenomenon arises that quite catches me off guard.

people who rarely contact me suddenly do. and out of what my optimistic self could think of as politeness, they often begin with pleasantries. how are you, how's life been, how's it going so far etc etc. some even go to the extent of cracking jokes. i am quite pleased with all that and i think it is nice of them to do that, seeing how it has been ages since we talk/chat. genuinely i entertain the chatter, expecting some good catch up session. then suddenly, they tell me the 'true' purpose of them contacting me. the TRUE PURPOSE. i have never felt so betrayed in my life. no. that's an exaggeration. i have been betrayed worse. nevertheless, i feel betrayed when people do this. all that nice caring words - they have all been fake? because catching up as such was apparently not the TRUE PURPOSE of the conversation. sort of saying "i don't care about you actually, i just need your help, but before you do, i will pretend like i care so that the possibility of you helping me would be higher," gosh.

and then of course, after they receive what they so inquire, conversation ends. and never to happen again. well, until another need arises i suppose.

but seriously, though the aforementioned method of 'testing the water' would work fine on other people, or maybe in fact preferred by some, i think that is just a complete rubbish. if you don't want to do it, don't do it. i would rather much prefer someone contacts me for help, by straightaway stating they need my help from the very beginning. no time wasted.

so thence on, i have become ever so careful about long loss people suddenly contacting me and behave ever so politely.

things like this contribute more to my trust issue with people.

September twenty second

Dear you,

How are you doing? I hope you're fine as you always are. I'm..okay. I guess.

It has been a year now. Time definitely crawled in regards to this one. Still feel like it just happened a few weeks ago, however cliche that might sound.

They say time heals all wound. I'm yet to see that happening. Is one year not long enough? I'm pretty sure you have long forgotten me by now. Not entirely in the sense that you no longer know who I am and stuff, but I imagine you've somehow "reset" now. Wait, move on would be the better word for it. I wonder how many times I have crossed your mind nowadays. And when I do, how good it must be for you to not feel anything at all. Useless thoughts, I know, but I wonder anyway. Because when you're on mine, you rob all the energy off of me. The ache in my heart suddenly gets a bit more physical. Dreams of you come, time to time, uninvited. Do the same thing.

They say count your blessings when you feel low. I did, and it increased my awareness of how low I am and made me more conscious of how low I'm still going. Seems like an endless void. Sometimes I'm still afraid of this fact, other times I'm just so tired to think of it, or of anything at all for that matter. My struggles seem to level up when you're no longer there. I tried to remain positive, suck every last bit of positivity from the air, and moved up a little. Moments after, I was knocked back down. No, I was pulled back down. Tried again. Got down again. I seriously have no idea what is going to happen to me.

I want to heal. At the same time, I don't. I was afraid of losing you, and it happened. And it hurts so much. But pieces of you are attached to the pain. I can't afford losing those too.

I miss you.

Regards,
Me.

birth

guys will never get to experience what it's like to give birth.
true.

try building a pc though. i think that's the closest you get to feeling the joy of giving birth. minus the pain, obviously. buy all parts separately, and from nothing, you bring all those together, connect wires correctly, and then boom - the moment your pc light up for the first time, the moment you see the fan starts spinning for the first time, the first beep of the computer, the second something appears on the screen - it's just magical. it's like "it's aliveeee" kinda moment. it actually is, really. it's like seeing a baby first cries moments after being born. it's magical. it's the kind of joy that makes you cry and want to jump at the same time.

i built my very first pc a few months ago. i've been dreaming of having my own rig since i was a kid. i never actually fancy a console. always been a pc gamer. so when this happened, though partly out of impulse, i am very grateful. i get to meet the never ending high demands of latest games now.

how?

there's always two sides of you - inside of you. most of the times these two will disagree with each other hence you get your 'inner struggle' with a lot of things. it can be both good and bad, depending on situations. this applies to everyone, i believe. it's central to decision making process in human, partly. let this out of control, you'll suffer a massive inner battle which obviously is bad. it's like living in a house with a dysfunctioning couple. quarrel everyday, no peace. however, this inner struggle can sometimes be the factor that drives you forward. if you're down, usually it's only one side that's down, and the other, being opposite as always, will do its job and actually be the help that you need to pick yourself up.

but what if both sides are down? this time they actually agree with each other in a bad way and fall together. how do you pick yourself up again?

Nothing is true

Word/phrase I don't believe in anymore when people say it

1. "always"
2. "you'll be fine"

1 - there is just no such thing as always. "i'm always here if you need me," "i can always help you out,". no. lies.

2 - there are times when you won't just be fine. how do you know you WILL be fine?

Journey

Life is full of ups and downs they say. Everyone has their own struggle in life. Everyone's journey is different and no one story is exactly the same as yours. Your life story is only unique to you. The journey that you had - and still having - is all unique to you. No one else will experience it. Sure some people share same experience to a certain degree, but never to the extent or exactly how experience it.

And looking back at my life so far, I think my journey is quite complicated and needless to say, full of ups and downs. I have tasted both ends of spectra in numerous aspects of life. I know what it feels like to be loved by everyone, and also what it's like to be hated by everyone. I have tasted trust and betrayal. I know how it feels to have a lot of friends and how it feels to be all alone and lonely. I have been at the top of academic ladder, and also at the bottom. Have felt how sweet it is to be a daie, and sadly also how crap it is to be a sinner. I have felt love like I have never before, also how it feels like for it to end. I have gone to both sides of this 'love' world, know what it's like to stand on the outside and not understanding why people behave and become the way they behave and become, and also as a resident of the 'world' and experience first hand what I did not understand before. And now I'm here. And right now I think I'm at the lower point of my life again. To be honest I think I have never get this low before in my life.

Life is dull. Sorrow. Alone and lonely. Hopeless. Like a gray sky overshadowing an empty, dry and lifeless desert, And it doesn't even bring any rain. Even if it does, it doesn't mean anything. It just adds to the sadness. And every sound I hear around me - songs, voices - somehow just adds up to the heaviness in my chest. I listen to slow love songs and they are just the most depressing things I know in life. Rock, emo or uplifting songs sound like traffic noise. Feels really out of reach and no one cares. I go to hospital or shops and talk to people or listen to people talking to one another. Distant. They all seem so happy. Somehow that pulls me down rather than up. Even more.

Loneliness is murder. Loneliness is torture. It's not an exaggeration. It's a state of feeling. You feel so heavy and empty you just don't feel any difference in living.

little things

sometimes i just feel so happy inside for no apparent reason. it's like there's something that i look forward to. approaching bedtime, i feel happy and excited, not because i'm looking forward to sleeping, but more like i'm looking forward to tomorrow's breakfast. COFFEE. yeah, maybe that.

don't bother title

dreams. they're one of the things that is unknown, to say the least. i mean it's something in the future and you don't plan for it. i'm talking about the dreams that you get in your sleep by the way, not your life goals or what you want in life etc.

anyway. yes. you don't really know what you're going to dream about when you go to sleep tonight. you can't really plan for it. sometimes you do wish that you dream a certain dream because of its nature. i mean, sometimes dreams can feel/be so real, you will feel it. you will wake up still having experiencing the effect. still feel exactly like how it makes you feel when you sleep. bliss. so each night you go to sleep you will hope that this kind of dream will reappear so you can feel it again. it's sad though. because that means you don't really have any happy things happening to you in real life, that you only hope to dream it.

truth.

Brain damage

One of the things that I have to go through everyday is the struggle to focus. I have the shortest attention span. Combined with my poor memory, I really find it hard to survive medical school. Sometimes when I do focus, and it feels like I am understanding whatever I'm reading, that info will disappear with haste. And sometimes, when I try to put some more effort in memorizing, my head will hurt. Not the taking it part, but the part when I need to try and retrieve the already 'stored' information. Happened a few times, so much so I think I sometimes purposely try to avoid doing it. Even when I actually do want to try, my body or heart will automatically push it away. The same with studying in the first place. The moment I sit and look at some notes or book - it feels like something is reeaallly wrong and pushing me away from it. Weird.

rant rant rant

i think every human being needs some sort of connections in their life. there is just this feeling inside that somehow longs, that craves a connection with another human being. that doesn't mean they can't live on their own. heck, i think the feeling just intensifies when you live on your own for too long. no one to talk to. no one who genuinely cares to listen to what is about to say. the world nowadays just move at a tremendously fast pace, we don't have time for each other anymore. wait. i'm going on a tangent here. 

yes, connection. when you live on your own for far too long, you become desperate i guess. that need for connectivity just gets too strong, it could potentially destroy you. you become very easily attached to anybody. especially when there is only a sliver of 'potential'. more often than not, it is all just fantasies, that will never come true. but the mind/brain really works in funny ways. they can form attachment to these fantasies, and consequently, it drags you and your emotions along with it. until one day, reality hits again, everything just burst and falls apart. you included. i think this is what happens to me almost all the time. 

keep on ranting

apparently one of the ways to be smarter in the long run is to "write 400 words a day", so says this website: http://news.bitofnews.com/daily-habits-that-will-make-you-smarter/

i was trying to do a further research on who wrote that article, but i could not really find out who she was. anyways. i think it's worth the try. the logic sounds..well, logic enough for me.
writing is not really an easy task to do. and if you're writing about your feelings or thoughts, you are kinda forced to put them into words. make them alive, if you will. that will help your mind stays sharp. -ish.

so i think i am going to try and do this here as much as i can. i usually bottle up my feelings - i think, and was told by multiple people multiple times, that it's not healthy. i should let it out sometimes. thing is, being introverted that i am, i am not privileged to have many friends or people that i can talk to about my feelings. that has happen for so long, even if sometimes there are people who genuinely want to help and be there for me, i find it awkward to talk about it, or don't really know how to do it. so i hope letting it out here as written form will help, one way or another.

Rant 3.0

1. the feeling of rejection is never pleasant. nobody likes it, i believe. heart crushing. it takes away all your energy you don't even feel like doing anything that you often like doing when you're stressed. dejected. feels so heavy like gravity is 10 times stronger than usual. missing someone/something so precious, you're sad, hurt and devastated you actually don't feel like you're gonna survive through the night. and when tomorrow comes, you just have to face it again and all the dreadful feelings begin again. sometimes you just wish it all ends. regardless.

rant 2.0

1. Liking/loving someone/something can often lead to disappointment because most often the feeling does not reciprocate. Hence, that act should be considered an act of self harm. Thinking of doing it therefore is a thought of self harm. Sign of depression.

2. Most people don't even give a shit about you. So for goodness sake, please stop caring so much about them.

Rant

1. I am not one who expresses himself often - verbally or written. especially the former. there are a lot of things that i wished i had said or wanted to say or still want to say but just don't. or can't. because i do not know how to.  and that kinda sucks.

2. the more i am with people, the lonelier i feel. maybe sometimes, the things that people post on social media is really coming to live. i am talking about technology. for years, i have always been living alone and most times i feel quite lonely. so when i do actually get a chance to live or just be with someone for a short time, i'd greatly appreciate it. but it saddens me and makes me feel even lonelier when the person is always busy with their phones, chatting away with someone else that is not physically there. i guess we don't really need physical being anymore nowadays. at times when this happens i feel that i'm better off on my own. talking about spending quality time. heh.

3. i may think too much but things that happen in my life, i believe there's always meanings behind them. and i think think and think, trying to find the meaning behind each events if it means a lot to me, until i finally settle on one or maybe a few. and i can rest my head. but most of the times, things changes afterwards and whatever i thought will proved to be wrong. sometimes i feel like nothing is true anymore.