How are you doing? I hope you're fine as you always are. I'm..okay. I guess.
It has been a year now. Time definitely crawled in regards to this one. Still feel like it just happened a few weeks ago, however cliche that might sound.
They say time heals all wound. I'm yet to see that happening. Is one year not long enough? I'm pretty sure you have long forgotten me by now. Not entirely in the sense that you no longer know who I am and stuff, but I imagine you've somehow "reset" now. Wait, move on would be the better word for it. I wonder how many times I have crossed your mind nowadays. And when I do, how good it must be for you to not feel anything at all. Useless thoughts, I know, but I wonder anyway. Because when you're on mine, you rob all the energy off of me. The ache in my heart suddenly gets a bit more physical. Dreams of you come, time to time, uninvited. Do the same thing.
They say count your blessings when you feel low. I did, and it increased my awareness of how low I am and made me more conscious of how low I'm still going. Seems like an endless void. Sometimes I'm still afraid of this fact, other times I'm just so tired to think of it, or of anything at all for that matter. My struggles seem to level up when you're no longer there. I tried to remain positive, suck every last bit of positivity from the air, and moved up a little. Moments after, I was knocked back down. No, I was pulled back down. Tried again. Got down again. I seriously have no idea what is going to happen to me.
I want to heal. At the same time, I don't. I was afraid of losing you, and it happened. And it hurts so much. But pieces of you are attached to the pain. I can't afford losing those too.
I miss you.