Friday, March 17

games and emotions

i play a lot of games; enjoy most of them, but not many actually do touch me on emotional level. see, when you play a certain game, you WILL be involve in it, you will become attached to it - the story line and mostly the characters, among other things. but again, usually most of the time the feelings that you get from games are elation, some sort of achievement, excitement. if there is a bit of loss in the game you will feel the loss too, but not that bad. there is only a few that has left marks in my heart in sad way, so to speak. has touched me emotionally. despite them being action adventure games. like, kill people kinda games. one - i think everyone who has played will agree - is assassin's creed 4 black flag. *spoiler alert* the ending was oh so touching. it's where that "try not to cry, cry a lot" meme can be applied.

the next one which i just finished playing - is metal gear solid v the phantom pain. *major spoiler*
MGS series is known for intricate plots, but this one for me i think is very clever. it really makes you feel the loss when there is a loss in the game. and i suppose pretty much the theme for the game is "loss". every character has lost something in the war and then revenge yada3. but even in present time i.e the timeline which you're playing, there are lots of loss happening. the major one is concerning Quiet, a "buddy" that we take on mission. and quiet was pretty much the only human buddy in the list. with buddy system, the more you do mission with them, the higher your "bond" will be. with that, you can buy them new weapons/ equipment, new command etc. i use Quiet a lot as she was the most helpful. and the story has made some sort of attachment between Quiet and Snake. I was obviously attached too, since I was playing as Snake. in the end, she voluntarily left so as to not spread infection to Snake and all the people in Mother Base. got caught by the Soviets, Snake went to the rescue and they only did one last mission together. and she still left. for good. like, legit. even when you finished the whole game as in the main mission and story line, when you're back to free-roaming the open world, Quiet is gone! can't find her in her cell, not even on buddy list anymore. and i wasn't warned before hand. i think that's what caught me off guard. see normally with any other open world games, if there's loss like this in the story line, when you finish and just to go about free roaming doing side mission, whatever's lost will be back.

i think that's why MGSV has stirred me up emotionally. because it resonates with the real life. you can lose the person that is close to you, that is important to you, that you form attachment to - without warning - and you will not get them back.

people dying is different. people leaving your life not because of death is a totally different thing. it hurts on different level. this opens up my old wound which does not seem to fully heal as of yet.
but life goes on i guess.

....

recovery time from ending a game will usually take a few days

Saturday, January 21

rock bottom

i have a little confession to make.
it is not often that i pour my heart out. but now it feels like i am already overwhelm by what's going with me.
i have changed. i am not the person i am used to be. obviously change is inevitable. it occurs to everything in this life.
but for me. i feel like i have lost myself. i have hit rock bottom. place i never imagined i would be. yet here i am. i have lost my way. feel like i am currently living in the dark, i could easily relate to the line " i am nothing but a shadow in the night". i have lost.
and it feels like i am alone in this. physically, yes i am alone. i have no support. i have no close network. when i try to vent to friends i only get the same generic advice - be strong, be patient. i know it all too well. i used to say that to people too. now i know what they feel like.
being strong in this context is not equivalent to being strong in say, trying to lift heavy weight.
it is always hard to deal with something you cannot physically see, yet experience the effect of.
what have i become.
i wish i have an old save that i can load.
turning back is actually not what i need to do. i need to go forward. i have developed in other ways too in this change. but that feels so little as compared to the negativity that comes the same time.
i need support.
cannot do this by myself.

Wednesday, September 28

support and culture

so recently we all received a shocking bad news - one of the dearest registrar in the hospital passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking, it was sad - but everyone, i mean everyone, was supporting each other. everyone took the news and shared the grief together. when we all were gathered to be informed about it; professionals were already there. by that i mean counsellors etc - already ready to provide support should people need them - which obviously people do.

and then there's the funeral. one of the events that is very emotionally exhausting by nature.

one week later there's memorial service - to celebrate the life of the one that just passed. and this one, was quite a positive one. i have never been to any memorial service, that's probably why. but it seems, when sad things happen, people here don't just dwell on it and grieve for a very long time. they make an occasion to commemorate; to cherish; share the moments people have together with the dead. beautiful positive poems were read. people are thankful and grateful for having the chance to have the passed in their life. it was quite beautiful. even with that, i feel massive support given to the family in this tough time. because as they say - live goes on. it's easier said than done, of course. but with this kind of support and event - i think it helps. massively.

with that; i now understand when people say - "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" - the people have that kind of attitude and culture.

all in all. you shall be missed. Even though our encounter was so brief; you have taught me a lot of things about doctor-ing. surely have set great example to everyone that had the pleasure to work with you.

Thursday, April 21

quarter life crisis..

..is legit.

it WILL hit you especially when you're closer to 30 rather than 20. you will start to think of aaaallll the things you have not achieve in life. and start to wonder what have you been doing for almost 30 years. you look around and see people of your age have got at least a partner if not a family of their own. and then you start reflecting. and thinking. and worrying. mostly worrying. also overthinking.

at least that last part is true for me.

see, i am a quiet type. i like to think i'm introverted. but maybe i'm just overly shy, bordering on autism. well, no. i am not autistic because i remember those happy days as a kid and how i had so many friends. also i didn't meet the criteria for autism. maybe i just grew into a grumpy, shy, unapproachable, socially awkward and anxious guy. which suck on so many different levels.

you just end up being alone most of the time. and it's not because you choose to be, but because you don't know how to do the opposite. being quiet is good sometimes, but people tend to see it as a sign of unfriendliness. unapproachable. so they, understand or not, will leave you alone. maybe you try to mingle with people, but in a group of more than 2 persons, you end up just listening to people talking.

it's really hard to do something when you don't really know how to do it. and don't have the confidence to try. and not really given the chance or support to try. skills then just atrophied. you shrink even further.

and it gets reaaallyy lonely. you get to eat almost all meals by yourself. you do all other activities by yourself, needless to say.

it's really lonely. it's not sad. it's just lonely. bordering pathetic.

it's just lonely.

Friday, March 4

i don't want to make a twitter account...

..so i shall write my thoughts/feelings here instead.

watching Burnt made me feel like cooking. i miss cooking.
but being in malaysia makes me not want to cook. because ingredients are expensive.
also, good food can be found literally everywhere.

not good.

Thursday, December 3

'keeping in touch'

you know when some people don't contact you that much, then suddenly do? and so often it is when they need something from you. so you're kinda like their lifeline or some sort.

that is quite sad. it is.

but i'm quite used to it. in fact, i think at this point i am glad if people do that. means they remember me to a certain degree. and it always feels so good to be able to help people in need. kinda feel useful and in some way it gives more sense of purpose in life.

of course, as with a lot of other things in this indefinite world, things change. new things develop. as i was quite comfortable with people contacting me once in a blue moon to seek help, a new phenomenon arises that quite catches me off guard.

people who rarely contact me suddenly do. and out of what my optimistic self could think of as politeness, they often begin with pleasantries. how are you, how's life been, how's it going so far etc etc. some even go to the extent of cracking jokes. i am quite pleased with all that and i think it is nice of them to do that, seeing how it has been ages since we talk/chat. genuinely i entertain the chatter, expecting some good catch up session. then suddenly, they tell me the 'true' purpose of them contacting me. the TRUE PURPOSE. i have never felt so betrayed in my life. no. that's an exaggeration. i have been betrayed worse. nevertheless, i feel betrayed when people do this. all that nice caring words - they have all been fake? because catching up as such was apparently not the TRUE PURPOSE of the conversation. sort of saying "i don't care about you actually, i just need your help, but before you do, i will pretend like i care so that the possibility of you helping me would be higher," gosh.

and then of course, after they receive what they so inquire, conversation ends. and never to happen again. well, until another need arises i suppose.

but seriously, though the aforementioned method of 'testing the water' would work fine on other people, or maybe in fact preferred by some, i think that is just a complete rubbish. if you don't want to do it, don't do it. i would rather much prefer someone contacts me for help, by straightaway stating they need my help from the very beginning. no time wasted.

so thence on, i have become ever so careful about long loss people suddenly contacting me and behave ever so politely.

things like this contribute more to my trust issue with people.
"Lihatlah kepada apa yang dikatakan, jangan lihat kepada siapa yang berkata," - Saidina Ali k.w

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