Saturday, January 21

rock bottom

i have a little confession to make.
it is not often that i pour my heart out. but now it feels like i am already overwhelm by what's going with me.
i have changed. i am not the person i am used to be. obviously change is inevitable. it occurs to everything in this life.
but for me. i feel like i have lost myself. i have hit rock bottom. place i never imagined i would be. yet here i am. i have lost my way. feel like i am currently living in the dark, i could easily relate to the line " i am nothing but a shadow in the night". i have lost.
and it feels like i am alone in this. physically, yes i am alone. i have no support. i have no close network. when i try to vent to friends i only get the same generic advice - be strong, be patient. i know it all too well. i used to say that to people too. now i know what they feel like.
being strong in this context is not equivalent to being strong in say, trying to lift heavy weight.
it is always hard to deal with something you cannot physically see, yet experience the effect of.
what have i become.
i wish i have an old save that i can load.
turning back is actually not what i need to do. i need to go forward. i have developed in other ways too in this change. but that feels so little as compared to the negativity that comes the same time.
i need support.
cannot do this by myself.

Wednesday, September 28

support and culture

so recently we all received a shocking bad news - one of the dearest registrar in the hospital passed away unexpectedly. it was shocking, it was sad - but everyone, i mean everyone, was supporting each other. everyone took the news and shared the grief together. when we all were gathered to be informed about it; professionals were already there. by that i mean counsellors etc - already ready to provide support should people need them - which obviously people do.

and then there's the funeral. one of the events that is very emotionally exhausting by nature.

one week later there's memorial service - to celebrate the life of the one that just passed. and this one, was quite a positive one. i have never been to any memorial service, that's probably why. but it seems, when sad things happen, people here don't just dwell on it and grieve for a very long time. they make an occasion to commemorate; to cherish; share the moments people have together with the dead. beautiful positive poems were read. people are thankful and grateful for having the chance to have the passed in their life. it was quite beautiful. even with that, i feel massive support given to the family in this tough time. because as they say - live goes on. it's easier said than done, of course. but with this kind of support and event - i think it helps. massively.

with that; i now understand when people say - "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" - the people have that kind of attitude and culture.

all in all. you shall be missed. Even though our encounter was so brief; you have taught me a lot of things about doctor-ing. surely have set great example to everyone that had the pleasure to work with you.

Thursday, April 21

quarter life crisis.. legit.

it WILL hit you especially when you're closer to 30 rather than 20. you will start to think of aaaallll the things you have not achieve in life. and start to wonder what have you been doing for almost 30 years. you look around and see people of your age have got at least a partner if not a family of their own. and then you start reflecting. and thinking. and worrying. mostly worrying. also overthinking.

at least that last part is true for me.

see, i am a quiet type. i like to think i'm introverted. but maybe i'm just overly shy, bordering on autism. well, no. i am not autistic because i remember those happy days as a kid and how i had so many friends. also i didn't meet the criteria for autism. maybe i just grew into a grumpy, shy, unapproachable, socially awkward and anxious guy. which suck on so many different levels.

you just end up being alone most of the time. and it's not because you choose to be, but because you don't know how to do the opposite. being quiet is good sometimes, but people tend to see it as a sign of unfriendliness. unapproachable. so they, understand or not, will leave you alone. maybe you try to mingle with people, but in a group of more than 2 persons, you end up just listening to people talking.

it's really hard to do something when you don't really know how to do it. and don't have the confidence to try. and not really given the chance or support to try. skills then just atrophied. you shrink even further.

and it gets reaaallyy lonely. you get to eat almost all meals by yourself. you do all other activities by yourself, needless to say.

it's really lonely. it's not sad. it's just lonely. bordering pathetic.

it's just lonely.

Friday, March 4

i don't want to make a twitter account... i shall write my thoughts/feelings here instead.

watching Burnt made me feel like cooking. i miss cooking.
but being in malaysia makes me not want to cook. because ingredients are expensive.
also, good food can be found literally everywhere.

not good.

Thursday, December 3

'keeping in touch'

you know when some people don't contact you that much, then suddenly do? and so often it is when they need something from you. so you're kinda like their lifeline or some sort.

that is quite sad. it is.

but i'm quite used to it. in fact, i think at this point i am glad if people do that. means they remember me to a certain degree. and it always feels so good to be able to help people in need. kinda feel useful and in some way it gives more sense of purpose in life.

of course, as with a lot of other things in this indefinite world, things change. new things develop. as i was quite comfortable with people contacting me once in a blue moon to seek help, a new phenomenon arises that quite catches me off guard.

people who rarely contact me suddenly do. and out of what my optimistic self could think of as politeness, they often begin with pleasantries. how are you, how's life been, how's it going so far etc etc. some even go to the extent of cracking jokes. i am quite pleased with all that and i think it is nice of them to do that, seeing how it has been ages since we talk/chat. genuinely i entertain the chatter, expecting some good catch up session. then suddenly, they tell me the 'true' purpose of them contacting me. the TRUE PURPOSE. i have never felt so betrayed in my life. no. that's an exaggeration. i have been betrayed worse. nevertheless, i feel betrayed when people do this. all that nice caring words - they have all been fake? because catching up as such was apparently not the TRUE PURPOSE of the conversation. sort of saying "i don't care about you actually, i just need your help, but before you do, i will pretend like i care so that the possibility of you helping me would be higher," gosh.

and then of course, after they receive what they so inquire, conversation ends. and never to happen again. well, until another need arises i suppose.

but seriously, though the aforementioned method of 'testing the water' would work fine on other people, or maybe in fact preferred by some, i think that is just a complete rubbish. if you don't want to do it, don't do it. i would rather much prefer someone contacts me for help, by straightaway stating they need my help from the very beginning. no time wasted.

so thence on, i have become ever so careful about long loss people suddenly contacting me and behave ever so politely.

things like this contribute more to my trust issue with people.

Saturday, September 26

September twenty second

Dear you,

How are you doing? I hope you're fine as you always are. I'm..okay. I guess.

It has been a year now. Time definitely crawled in regards to this one. Still feel like it just happened a few weeks ago, however cliche that might sound.

They say time heals all wound. I'm yet to see that happening. Is one year not long enough? I'm pretty sure you have long forgotten me by now. Not entirely in the sense that you no longer know who I am and stuff, but I imagine you've somehow "reset" now. Wait, move on would be the better word for it. I wonder how many times I have crossed your mind nowadays. And when I do, how good it must be for you to not feel anything at all. Useless thoughts, I know, but I wonder anyway. Because when you're on mine, you rob all the energy off of me. The ache in my heart suddenly gets a bit more physical. Dreams of you come, time to time, uninvited. Do the same thing.

They say count your blessings when you feel low. I did, and it increased my awareness of how low I am and made me more conscious of how low I'm still going. Seems like an endless void. Sometimes I'm still afraid of this fact, other times I'm just so tired to think of it, or of anything at all for that matter. My struggles seem to level up when you're no longer there. I tried to remain positive, suck every last bit of positivity from the air, and moved up a little. Moments after, I was knocked back down. No, I was pulled back down. Tried again. Got down again. I seriously have no idea what is going to happen to me.

I want to heal. At the same time, I don't. I was afraid of losing you, and it happened. And it hurts so much. But pieces of you are attached to the pain. I can't afford losing those too.

I miss you.


"Lihatlah kepada apa yang dikatakan, jangan lihat kepada siapa yang berkata," - Saidina Ali k.w


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