it WILL hit you especially when you're closer to 30 rather than 20. you will start to think of aaaallll the things you have not achieve in life. and start to wonder what have you been doing for almost 30 years. you look around and see people of your age have got at least a partner if not a family of their own. and then you start reflecting. and thinking. and worrying. mostly worrying. also overthinking.
at least that last part is true for me.
see, i am a quiet type. i like to think i'm introverted. but maybe i'm just overly shy, bordering on autism. well, no. i am not autistic because i remember those happy days as a kid and how i had so many friends. also i didn't meet the criteria for autism. maybe i just grew into a grumpy, shy, unapproachable, socially awkward and anxious guy. which suck on so many different levels.
you just end up being alone most of the time. and it's not because you choose to be, but because you don't know how to do the opposite. being quiet is good sometimes, but people tend to see it as a sign of unfriendliness. unapproachable. so they, understand or not, will leave you alone. maybe you try to mingle with people, but in a group of more than 2 persons, you end up just listening to people talking.
it's really hard to do something when you don't really know how to do it. and don't have the confidence to try. and not really given the chance or support to try. skills then just atrophied. you shrink even further.
and it gets reaaallyy lonely. you get to eat almost all meals by yourself. you do all other activities by yourself, needless to say.
it's really lonely. it's not sad. it's just lonely. bordering pathetic.
it's just lonely.