Journey

Life is full of ups and downs they say. Everyone has their own struggle in life. Everyone's journey is different and no one story is exactly the same as yours. Your life story is only unique to you. The journey that you had - and still having - is all unique to you. No one else will experience it. Sure some people share same experience to a certain degree, but never to the extent or exactly how experience it.

And looking back at my life so far, I think my journey is quite complicated and needless to say, full of ups and downs. I have tasted both ends of spectra in numerous aspects of life. I know what it feels like to be loved by everyone, and also what it's like to be hated by everyone. I have tasted trust and betrayal. I know how it feels to have a lot of friends and how it feels to be all alone and lonely. I have been at the top of academic ladder, and also at the bottom. Have felt how sweet it is to be a daie, and sadly also how crap it is to be a sinner. I have felt love like I have never before, also how it feels like for it to end. I have gone to both sides of this 'love' world, know what it's like to stand on the outside and not understanding why people behave and become the way they behave and become, and also as a resident of the 'world' and experience first hand what I did not understand before. And now I'm here. And right now I think I'm at the lower point of my life again. To be honest I think I have never get this low before in my life.

Life is dull. Sorrow. Alone and lonely. Hopeless. Like a gray sky overshadowing an empty, dry and lifeless desert, And it doesn't even bring any rain. Even if it does, it doesn't mean anything. It just adds to the sadness. And every sound I hear around me - songs, voices - somehow just adds up to the heaviness in my chest. I listen to slow love songs and they are just the most depressing things I know in life. Rock, emo or uplifting songs sound like traffic noise. Feels really out of reach and no one cares. I go to hospital or shops and talk to people or listen to people talking to one another. Distant. They all seem so happy. Somehow that pulls me down rather than up. Even more.

Loneliness is murder. Loneliness is torture. It's not an exaggeration. It's a state of feeling. You feel so heavy and empty you just don't feel any difference in living.