Journey

Life is full of ups and downs they say. Everyone has their own struggle in life. Everyone's journey is different and no one story is exactly the same as yours. Your life story is only unique to you. The journey that you had - and still having - is all unique to you. No one else will experience it. Sure some people share same experience to a certain degree, but never to the extent or exactly how experience it.

And looking back at my life so far, I think my journey is quite complicated and needless to say, full of ups and downs. I have tasted both ends of spectra in numerous aspects of life. I know what it feels like to be loved by everyone, and also what it's like to be hated by everyone. I have tasted trust and betrayal. I know how it feels to have a lot of friends and how it feels to be all alone and lonely. I have been at the top of academic ladder, and also at the bottom. Have felt how sweet it is to be a daie, and sadly also how crap it is to be a sinner. I have felt love like I have never before, also how it feels like for it to end. I have gone to both sides of this 'love' world, know what it's like to stand on the outside and not understanding why people behave and become the way they behave and become, and also as a resident of the 'world' and experience first hand what I did not understand before. And now I'm here. And right now I think I'm at the lower point of my life again. To be honest I think I have never get this low before in my life.

Life is dull. Sorrow. Alone and lonely. Hopeless. Like a gray sky overshadowing an empty, dry and lifeless desert, And it doesn't even bring any rain. Even if it does, it doesn't mean anything. It just adds to the sadness. And every sound I hear around me - songs, voices - somehow just adds up to the heaviness in my chest. I listen to slow love songs and they are just the most depressing things I know in life. Rock, emo or uplifting songs sound like traffic noise. Feels really out of reach and no one cares. I go to hospital or shops and talk to people or listen to people talking to one another. Distant. They all seem so happy. Somehow that pulls me down rather than up. Even more.

Loneliness is murder. Loneliness is torture. It's not an exaggeration. It's a state of feeling. You feel so heavy and empty you just don't feel any difference in living.

little things

sometimes i just feel so happy inside for no apparent reason. it's like there's something that i look forward to. approaching bedtime, i feel happy and excited, not because i'm looking forward to sleeping, but more like i'm looking forward to tomorrow's breakfast. COFFEE. yeah, maybe that.

don't bother title

dreams. they're one of the things that is unknown, to say the least. i mean it's something in the future and you don't plan for it. i'm talking about the dreams that you get in your sleep by the way, not your life goals or what you want in life etc.

anyway. yes. you don't really know what you're going to dream about when you go to sleep tonight. you can't really plan for it. sometimes you do wish that you dream a certain dream because of its nature. i mean, sometimes dreams can feel/be so real, you will feel it. you will wake up still having experiencing the effect. still feel exactly like how it makes you feel when you sleep. bliss. so each night you go to sleep you will hope that this kind of dream will reappear so you can feel it again. it's sad though. because that means you don't really have any happy things happening to you in real life, that you only hope to dream it.

truth.

Brain damage

One of the things that I have to go through everyday is the struggle to focus. I have the shortest attention span. Combined with my poor memory, I really find it hard to survive medical school. Sometimes when I do focus, and it feels like I am understanding whatever I'm reading, that info will disappear with haste. And sometimes, when I try to put some more effort in memorizing, my head will hurt. Not the taking it part, but the part when I need to try and retrieve the already 'stored' information. Happened a few times, so much so I think I sometimes purposely try to avoid doing it. Even when I actually do want to try, my body or heart will automatically push it away. The same with studying in the first place. The moment I sit and look at some notes or book - it feels like something is reeaallly wrong and pushing me away from it. Weird.

rant rant rant

i think every human being needs some sort of connections in their life. there is just this feeling inside that somehow longs, that craves a connection with another human being. that doesn't mean they can't live on their own. heck, i think the feeling just intensifies when you live on your own for too long. no one to talk to. no one who genuinely cares to listen to what is about to say. the world nowadays just move at a tremendously fast pace, we don't have time for each other anymore. wait. i'm going on a tangent here. 

yes, connection. when you live on your own for far too long, you become desperate i guess. that need for connectivity just gets too strong, it could potentially destroy you. you become very easily attached to anybody. especially when there is only a sliver of 'potential'. more often than not, it is all just fantasies, that will never come true. but the mind/brain really works in funny ways. they can form attachment to these fantasies, and consequently, it drags you and your emotions along with it. until one day, reality hits again, everything just burst and falls apart. you included. i think this is what happens to me almost all the time. 

keep on ranting

apparently one of the ways to be smarter in the long run is to "write 400 words a day", so says this website: http://news.bitofnews.com/daily-habits-that-will-make-you-smarter/

i was trying to do a further research on who wrote that article, but i could not really find out who she was. anyways. i think it's worth the try. the logic sounds..well, logic enough for me.
writing is not really an easy task to do. and if you're writing about your feelings or thoughts, you are kinda forced to put them into words. make them alive, if you will. that will help your mind stays sharp. -ish.

so i think i am going to try and do this here as much as i can. i usually bottle up my feelings - i think, and was told by multiple people multiple times, that it's not healthy. i should let it out sometimes. thing is, being introverted that i am, i am not privileged to have many friends or people that i can talk to about my feelings. that has happen for so long, even if sometimes there are people who genuinely want to help and be there for me, i find it awkward to talk about it, or don't really know how to do it. so i hope letting it out here as written form will help, one way or another.